Imagine Old Glory, twisting in smoke and pain! Despite the best efforts of flag manufacturers to make their products flame retardant, there are people in this country who insist on their right to desecrate this national symbol.

Are you one of those individuals? You might as well be. Here are some of the other flag-burners who, like you, are not members of the W Road Cave Fan Club:

Fidel Castro
Saddam Hussein
Ayatalloh Kohmeni (unrepentent to the end!)
Jane Fonda

Feel at home with your comrades?

Well, I'm here to tell you that I think different. I honestly don't believe your name should be added to the list above. Statistics say that you will prove me wrong. As much as it pains me to say it, I know that you might simply ignore this letter. Still, I'm willing to take a chance on you.

So get on the bandwagon. Join the ranks of those who love their country and their flag. Use the online form to apply for membership in the W Road Cave Fan Club.

Or you might as well be holding a match to the American flag.