WRoader Issue 3
Six Foot Pit
Join the Club
W Road Home
To the tune of
Come and listen to a story
'bout a rock named Chert
you'll end up in the dirt.
'Cause Chert is a rock
God put here as a joke
And not as a
to rig a caver's rope.
Chert, that is.
Black gold! Texas turd!
Well he went to the pit
And he rigged it real good
He backed up
like every caver should.
But he made one mistake
And that's how he got hurt
He rigged his
To a whole bunch of Chert.
That's Chert, I say,
Broken bones, lots o'scars.
Lyrics copyright 1993 by the
W Road Cave Fan Club, Inc.
Used with permission.
|Club Officer Impeached, Family Disgraced
William "Rollo" Bellows,
a charter member and high-ranking officer of the W Road Cave
Fan Club, has been stripped of his powers in a special ceremony
outside Club Headquarters.
After opening the program
with a warm welcome to all members and guests, President Hank Moon
ripped all club insignia from Bellow's uniform. Moon then took a
sword and attempted to break it over his knee.
"The doctors say I
should have full use of my leg again in a few months," Moon later
told reporters. "Next time, I'll make sure I keep the sharp end up."
Bellows stands accused of negligence in carelessly discarding
official club mail sent to his address. In
testimony, he freely admitted that he failed to forward club mail to
the proper officials. "I get a lot of stuff for the club," he said.
"I just throw it away. I don't know why that junk even comes to me,
Officials say that changing the club address would be
confusing and troublesome. Instead, Bellows and his family are to be
removed from their home and a new resident installed, one more
sensitive to the importance of club mail. In the meantime, members
who never received a reply to inquiries or letters can rest easy knowing the culprit has been
|Complete Text of President's Remarks
"My fellow members, thank you for being with us on this
special occasion. I especially want to express my gratitude to
Rollo and Janet Bellows for hosting this gathering. Janet,
the cake and cookies are wonderful!"
"Now to the business at hand. Rollo, if you will kindly
step forward and stand in disgrace. (Pause) Thank you, Rollo.
I will now rip all club insignia from your uniform. (Pause)
What? We have no club insignia? Just the t-shirt? Well, then,
I believe this portion of the program is complete."
I will now break this sword over my knee, symbolizing the
complete and utter separation about to occur between you and
your fellow club members. I raise the sword! I bring it down
upon my knee! AAAAH! ARRRGGH! Would someone please call an
ambulance? (Pause) Thank you."
After months of speculation, Club
President Hank Moon recently unveiled a package designed to stimulate the
economy, put America back to work, and provide valuable nutrients to W
Road cavers. The package, when
opened, contained a six-pack of tater logs, three packets of ketchup, and
Unfortunately, President Moon vanished mysteriously soon after,
taking the tater logs with him. While some reports have placed him in
Mexico, club insiders now believe that he has been abducted, once again,
President Hank Moon called
the meeting to order and requested that the minutes of the previous
meeting be read. Since there have been no recent meetings, no
minutes were forthcoming.
Trip reports: There have
been no trips by members of the Club in recent history.
Moon noted that the W Road (the road, not the cave) had been closed
on occasions due to ice and snow. Had any members wished to visit
the cave, access would have been difficult.
There being no
other business, the meeting was adjourned.
"Rescue fever" has gripped the Club with the formation of a
special W Road Cave Rescue Squad.
"We haven't actually had a rescue
at the W yet," Chief Hank Moon says. "But geologists tell us there is a 90
percent probability of a major rescue, at least an 8.0 on the Curry Scale,
within the next fifty years. When it comes, we'll be ready!"
club geologists are unable or unwilling to predict the exact date of the
impending rescue. "Most of the team is fairly young," Moon says. "We'll
still be spry enough to act, even if we have to wait the full fifty
Through the ages, cavers
have relied upon trees for food, shelter, and rig points. Yet Man,
who always destroys the ones he loves, is a slow learner. Even
today, here are those among us who by fear or simple ignorance are
Are you one of the
enlightened, or a tree bigot? To find out, take this test of tree
These are the
- You are at a cocktail party when you hear the host remark,
"If you've seen one tree, you've seen them all!" How do you react
to this anti-tree generalization?
- Ignore the remark and feel great shame later.
- Throw the bum out on the street.
- Disagree politely but firmly, seeking to enlighten rather
- There is unrest in the forest. Therre is trouble with the
trees. The maples want more sunlight but the oaks ignore their
- Leave the forest immediately.
- Keep all trees equal by hatchet, axe, and saw.
- Plant Kudzu.
- A tree falls over in the woods. Is there a sound?
- No, unless there are other trees to hear it.
- Yes, probably the sound of a chainsaw.
- Yes, a cry of pain from the collective tree consciousness.
When one tree falls, we all fall.
- Man has always been envious of trees. Why? Trees grow
taller, live longer, and are able to convert sunlight into energy.
- Trees are alive. Many people do not realize that trees,
like all plants, have needs and desires. Some but by no means all
trees are Mohoganous. Others lead what we humans would consider a
rather wild existence.
- Trees are interesting. More interesting than some people
- The view is better from a tree. Want to see over a
hill? Try climbing a tree. Want to drop rocks on trespassers? Do
it from a tree.
Copyright © 1998
by Rodger Ling. All rights reserved.