WRoader Issue 3
Six Foot Pit
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W Road Home
Official W Road Cave Theme Song
the tune of nothing in particular
Da da-da-da-da da da da da
Da da-da-da-da da da da da
(Chorus continues in background)
Halfway up the treacherous road
There is a cave that we all
And in this cave a secret place
Where beauty and adventure
A Hall of Dreams, a Treasure Room,
Bountiful beauty in the
And far below a siren stream
that lures us down to sights
At Hairpin Crawl you'll surely smile
And maybe even stay
So savor well sir, if you please,
This pleasure palace of a
Beneath the bottomless six foot pit
There is a void few lamps have
With tasty treats of Tater Logs
We'll dare that pit and climb
When the walls come close and tight
At Heartbeat Pass you'll have a
Know just from the sound you're making
If you're alive
or merely faking.
And that, my friend, is why we come:
To hear that pulsing W
To be alive if just by chance
To dance the writhing W Dance.
Da da-da-da-da da da!
Lyrics copyright 1993 by the
Road Cave Fan Club, Inc.
Used with permission.
W Road Cave
Connected to Cement Plan
Rumored sources have confirmed the
existence of a previously unknown passage which leads to the Signal
Mountain Cement Plant on Suck Creek Road.
was reported to authorities by Beth Elliot, an expert source of cave
rumors. "When this kid started telling me about the new passage," Elliot
told The W Roader, "I knew right away it was real important. I tried to
get the details from him, but he ran away."
"Beth's Passage," as it has been
named, is a relatively minor discovery by W Road standards--the passage is
estimated to be only two miles long. Survey crews are expected to start
work as soon as the secret location of the passage is formally unveiled.
Bark Worth the Byte,
The W Road Cave Fan Club is
grateful to Creative Canines Corporation for donating a copy of their
top-of-the-line word processor, WORD DOG, for use in producing The W
"I make no bones about it," says William "Rollo" Bellows, Editor. "This is
seat-of-the-pants, state-of-the-art software. If you're using any other
program, you're barking up the wrong tree."
As a registered environmental terrorist organization, the
W Road Cave Fan Club takes strong positions on issues of environmental
importance. While we may lack the "monkeywrenching" expertise of such
radical groups as Earth First! and Cows for Peace, we aren't short on
- Acid Rain: The W Road Cave Fan Club is strongly in favor of
acid rain, which will greatly increase the rate of solution in the cave
and open up many new and exciting passages.
- The Green House Effect: The Club goes on record as being
indifferent to the Green House Effect. Frankly, we feel that what color
you paint your house is your own business.
- Abolition: Of course we stand firmly in favor of abolition!
Frankly, we don't understand how this issue can even be debated. Wasn't
this all settled a hundred years ago? What's the Supreme Court trying to
do, fight the Civil War all over again?
- Eight Track Tapes: The W Road Cave Fan Club supports House
Resolution 914-B, asking all Americans to turn in their cartridges and
players during the proposed National Eight Track Amnesty Day, June 1.
Who's responsible? I'm talking about the lack of
public interest in our cause.
The problem, my friends, is a
news media that is controlled not by advertisers, not by the American
people, not by the Pope...but instead by the ruthless Nazi real estate
developers who would have you believe that the W Road Cave is
insignificant. I'm talking big time conspiracy, folks.
Does the fabled "China
Passage" in W Road Cave actually exist? I believe it does. This
connection, which makes W Road Cave the longest and deepest cave in the
world, gives the cave international significance. In addition, rumored
evidence proves that the W Road Cave also connects with the Lost Dutchman
Mine in Arizona. The vein of gold in that legendary mine is worth millions
to the lucky explorer who finds the secret passage.
What a story! But do you
see it on page one of U.S.A Today? Does Dan Rather jet down for an
on-the-spot report? Does Barbara Walters interview other celebrities for
their opinions on the cave? Sadly, she does not.
W Roaders of the world, unite!
Together we must rise and crush this conspiracy of silence!
Worth the Risk?|
by William "Rollo" Bellows
bees from Brazil threaten our borders. Children scream as they are
attacked by red ants. Cockroaches dart across kitchen counters.
Every day, in every city, town, and backyard in the nation,
Americans are falling victim to insects. But this battle is more than
simply one of Man versus Nature. The victims of insects are the
victims of an administration which refuses to admit that the War on
Bugs cannot be won.
The National Yard Guard
can't do it alone, men. We've got to fight this one on every corner
of every street. So slap a mosquito the next time you see one. Step
on that beetle. Teach your kids to pull the wings off flies.
America, let's not take it lying down. They may have us outnumbered.
They may be quicker than us. They may be smarter than us. But they
haven't whipped us yet.
Let's put our foot down
once and for all. Let's put an end to the insect menace.
Copyright © 1998
by Rodger Ling. All rights reserved.